Monday 25 June 2007

Good manners in the 21st Century

One of the comments that inspired this blog was a lady who said she was offended (I presume mildly) that a man gave up his seat to her on a bus. I have heard this before, the reasons for being offended range from "I'm not old" to "I'm equal to any man and can stand on my own two feet".

I have also heard offence being taken over men opening doors for women/ladies and for offering to help them carry... heavy stuff.

Is it true that chivalry is dead? Outdated? Are good manners a thing of the past?
There certainly seems to be a bit of a conflict between gentlemanly behavior and this new century. But it just takes a bit of thought and different angle of approach.

Firstly, lets deal with the idea of the gentlemen standing when a woman enters a room (or leaves the room). This probably seems the most outdated of them all.
Let me confess that it's late at night and I'm not inclined to research the origins of this strange custom, but I'll take a punt and guess that it is much like raising your hat to a lady, it is a gesture of respect. When I was at school, at least in the 1970s, we had to stand when a teacher entered the room. In court, you stand when the judge/magistrate enters the room. Soldiers stand when an officer enters a room ['As you were']. You stand during the national anthem.
And I understand there are some standing up bits in church (not that you will ever find me there) and I suspect that this is where the custom might have it's origins. Although, I do wonder if it were customary in pre-Christian times? Probably. I will tell you this, last time I was in a Christian church, I seem to remember spending more time kneeling on the floor than standing... I seem to remember reading that our pagan ancestors preferred to meet their gods as equals rather than what they considered groveling on their knees.
Is this relevant? I think it is. I think that when a person enters the room, you should stand and greet them eye-to-eye. Man or woman, you should move towards them as they move towards you, (meeting them half way) and you should greet them with a firm hand shake or a hug and a kiss, whatever is appropriate. Sitting there like a king on your thrown waiting for them to come to you is bad manners.
But from then on, standing whenever a woman enters or leaves the room is just over the top. In an informal gathering, you would just look a pratt, unless of course this is the social norm among your friends (That would be very few of us). If you were out to dinner with a lady, frankly, a lady of my generation (and I'm in my 30s) would most likely be embarrassed. It would be worse if you were out to dinner with a group of people and you were the only 'gentleman' to stand whenever a lady needed to visit the powder room -- you would make the other gentlemen feel awkward.
In this age of equality, a far better way to show respect to a lady would to be to treat her like an equal, to talk to her like a human being... some of us men still have difficulty with this.
And to end this one with, much as the same as you should stand to greet people, you should stand to say goodbye.

Next, lets deal with giving up your seat on a bus or train. I have done this many times on the train to London. It's simple... just don't make a big thing of it! Make eye contact, smile, get up, move aside, turn away. There really isn't any need to loudly announce "Here! take my seat ma'am", with a sweeping bow and slapping of the thigh.
Another approach to this is to pretend that you were getting up anyway because its almost your stop, or that you need to stretch your legs. I have used this tactic ever since an elderly lady cried out to all the other old dears, "Ooooh! Did you see that? A proper gentleman! His parents raised him right! You can tell he isn't from around here! That's a rare thing these days... etc. etc. etc." Did I mention that I blush?
I find the 'pretending I was getting up anyway' particularly useful when giving up my seat to elderly men. Their knees may be knackered but their pride is intact, but like all male pride, easily bruised.

Good manners are practical, an elderly person needs the seat more than you. A pregnant woman needs the seat more than you, and woman of the same age as you needs to conserve her strength for the bedroom... just kidding!!! But seriously, if you are giving up your seat to somebody you feel needs it more than you, then remember you are doing it for them and not for effect, not even because it is good manners (action without thought), so don't do it with great flourish. As for the woman the same age as you, or younger... this is the age of equality. And it is also an age where people haven't been raised with expectations of good manners. So even if you have seen this hypothetical woman carry huge amounts of shopping onto the bus, be aware that she may well see you as her equal, she may not expect special treatment, she probably won't expect to encounter gentlemanly conduct. She will probably interpret it as courtship ritual. So there is no telling what her reaction will be. So what do you do?
A gentleman would never risk offending someone, but a gentleman should give up his seat. So he should do the 'I was getting up anyway' thing. It is the only thing you can do.

As for opening doors for ladies... ladies are highly unlikely to stand staring blankly at a closed door waiting for you to open it for them in this day and age. And frankly, women are more than capable of opening doors for themselves.
Lets get one thing straight... back in the old days, these customs came in two parts. The gentleman was playing an active role, but the lady was also playing a passive role in these little scenes. The lady would wait to have the door opened, the gentleman would open it. The lady would expect the gentleman to give up his seat, she may even stand before the man she wished to give up his seat for her (to see if he would reciprocate). A lady would expect the men to rise as she left the room, the gentlemen would comply (those most interested would be the first to rise). This isn't just about gentlemen doing 'stuff', it is a dance for two, and often it was a courtship ritual. But these days there is no expectation by the ladies, and they are not playing out the role, regardless of how passive it is. (There is nothing as embarrassing as watching a man dance alone.)
This doesn't mean that we can't do these things and we should do these things as they are nice to do. But we just have to remember that it is no longer a dance for two so we can't do them in the same way they were done of old.
So when it comes to opening doors, we leave behind the courtship ritual and instead see it as practical. You don't let the door slam in a persons face. If given the opportunity, hold the door open for anyone regardless of gender, and graciously allow them to open a door for you.

As for letting the lady go first (And saying "After you"), it depends on the door. If the door is open, let the lady go first. If the door opens towards you, open the door, step aside and let the lady go first. If the door opens away from you, you go first opening the door as you go, hold it open and let the lady pass you. But be aware with this last one, if you do this to a man, they may take offence... it is a subconscious thing, as you are putting them in the role of female. So don't let them pass you, especially if the door leads to a bar of some description as you are not only treating them like a woman, you are ushering them forward to buy the first round! It's better to get to the bar, say "What can I get you" and then allowing them to reassert their manliness by winning the "No, I'll get this one" ritual. (See, us men are just as strange as women).

So, that's my take on these rituals, and that's how I do them. Manners are social expectations, unwritten rules of behaviour designed to avoid causing offense. If doing 19th/20th century rituals causes offence in this century, then they should be dropped, or done in a way so as to avoid offence. On the whole, you can get away with anything if you do it with a smile.

49 comments:

Anonymous said...

Will there be more updates

List of Good Manners said...

Whenever you meet someone, greet him with a smiling face. Express your sentiments of felicity.
Put on a clean dress when you go to call on someone; do not go out in dirty dress nor wear expensive garments while going to visit someone in order to impress him with your costly dress.

generic cialis said...

I, of course, a newcomer to this blog, but the author does not agree

lesbian sex stories said...

Hed never been Mister Universe as a kid hed been thin, with rangy musclesthat didnt look like much, despite serious strength. ``Hes standing right next to me.
stories about spanking
my first time stories
forced lesbian stories
impregnate erotic stories
sex stories incest
Hed never been Mister Universe as a kid hed been thin, with rangy musclesthat didnt look like much, despite serious strength. ``Hes standing right next to me.

badrulz said...

this was great, in fact fabulous. This describes a lot abt u danny (author). I'm just seekin for perfect gentleman stuff. Well, i guess it'll help me indeed.
Thank you sir. Whr i cn get more update on this?
Pls help me out.

Ed said...

Very well put. I must say this has been a good piece of writing. Regarding the content, it is good to know that there are others with this kind of behavior. From what I see everyday, it is rare, like almost extinct.

Anonymous said...

I know this if off topic but I'm looking into starting my own weblog and was wondering what all is required to get set up? I'm assuming
having a blog like yours would cost a pretty penny? I'm not very web smart so I'm not 100% certain. Any recommendations or advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks
Here is my web site : remove static

Anonymous said...

If you are like me and love garlic, you are already too late.
Native plants or at least plants adapted to similar conditions as your region will have a better chance of growing and thriving.
Organic gardening teaches kids about the value of hard work and
its rewards.

Here is my site - vase

Anonymous said...

Deciding to buy online can result in a huge cost savings while providing you the best options for your hair care
needs today. My hair doesn't always look good when I'm going to
attend openings and red carpet events. When one thinks of fungus, they
don't generally associate it with the head or scalp, but the itching, burning scalp, rash or pimples on the scalp could very well be caused by a fungus, requiring antifungal shampoo to provide well needed relief to the symptoms.

Also visit my page ... hair products

Anonymous said...

Hi therе! Quick queѕtion that's completely off topic. Do you know how to make your site mobile friendly? My weblog looks weird when viewing from my iphone 4. I'm tryіng to find а theme or plugіn thаt might bе able to fix this prοblеm.
Ӏf you hаѵe any recommendatіons, plеase shаrе.
Apprесiate it!

my weblоg :: cialis

Anonymous said...

aggression by engaging it in regular exercise, teaching [url=http://www.abacusnow.com/beatsbydre.html]http://www.abacusnow.com/beatsbydre.html[/url] this economy, its tough seeing these small businesses closing [url=http://www.abacusnow.com/jpchanel.htm]chanel財布[/url] money until you become proficient at the game. Using a reliable [url=http://www.abacusnow.com/jpchanel.htm]http://www.abacusnow.com/jpchanel.htm[/url] collision. Avoid using the car jack in steep places and always
of your forearm should be able to pass easily through with a [url=http://www.abacusnow.com/nfl.html]http://www.abacusnow.com/nfl.html[/url] of Black Jack Smatt disappeared along with many other inhabitants [url=http://www.abacusnow.com/jpmoncler.htm]http://www.abacusnow.com/jpmoncler.htm[/url] will be protected. But if we homeschool poorly, then were [url=http://www.abacusnow.com/beatsbydre.html]Beats By Dre Cheap[/url] Any large sturdy spoon or scoop will do. Traditional
standards set through the business. So when getting Jack wills [url=http://www.abacusnow.com/michaelkors.html]michael kors sale[/url] down inside of a glass holder. This set up is used for medium [url=http://www.abacusnow.com/nfl.html]Discount NFL jerseys[/url] decide whether you want it to be a short and squat pumpkin or [url=http://www.abacusnow.com/jpchanel.htm]シャネル 通販[/url] to staying healthy and living life to the fullest. Dr. Grossman

Anonymous said...

If you want to increase your experience simply keep visiting this website and be updated
with the latest news update posted here.

my page ... ミュウミュウ

Anonymous said...

Hi there, its good paragraph on the topic of media print, we
all know media is a great source of facts.

Feel free to visit my web page - コーチ 財布

Anonymous said...

Way cool! Some extremely valid points! I appreciate you penning this post plus the rest of the
website is also very good.

Feel free to visit my blog post ... ミュウミュウ

Anonymous said...

Thats why Indian Hindi papers are very popular in all corners of India.
This means that your Egyptian cotton sheets will
be much softer to sleep on than your ordinary cotton sheets.

This is also probably one of the easiest forms of advertising, with only an advert designed for a specific box needing to be created.
I mean there is certainly intelligence behind the construction, so Mother Nature has to take a back seat in
this case. Lap books are another tool a teacher can use to help students create booklets that they will want to keep and review.



Also visit my webpage: egyptian newspapers

Anonymous said...

Greetings! I know this is kinda off topic however I'd figured I'd ask.
Would you be interested in trading links or maybe guest authoring a blog article or vice-versa?

My blog addresses a lot of the same topics as yours and I believe we could greatly benefit from
each other. If you are interested feel free to shoot me an e-mail.
I look forward to hearing from you! Terrific blog by the way!



Also visit my weblog :: mens vestal watches

Anonymous said...

These were referred to as Linotype and Intertype machines.
If you are a reader of local language newspapers it might
get difficult for you to find your desired language newspaper any where else.
Several news reports, writers, and analysts play a crucial
role in the development of global news undoubtedly.

He proudly displays a disdain for homosexuals, especially those that are HIV-positive,
by stating that they should be sequestered away from the rest of Frances moral society.
But I felt I had something interesting, if not unique, to say
about the Mafia because as a boy I had listened not only to Mafiosi in my stepfather's kitchen but to first and second generation Sicilians who understood how and why the Mafia had gotten a foothold in this country.

My blog: click here

Anonymous said...

Hi I am so happy I found your weblog, I really found you by error,
while I was browsing on Bing for something
else, Nonetheless I am here now and would just like to say many thanks for a marvelous post and a all round enjoyable blog (I also love the theme/design), I don’t have time to
read through it all at the moment but I have saved
it and also added in your RSS feeds, so when I
have time I will be back to read much more, Please do keep up the awesome
jo.

Feel free to surf to my web site :: トリーバーチ靴

Anonymous said...

Hello my family member! I want to say that this article is amazing, nice written and come with almost all
significant infos. I would like to look extra posts like this .


My web blog ... トリーバーチ アウトレット

Anonymous said...

Hello, i think that i saw you visited my website thus i came to “return the favor”.
I'm attempting to find things to improve my website!I suppose its ok to use a few of your ideas!!

Review my webpage トリーバーチバッグ

Anonymous said...

I like the helpful info you provide in your articles. I'll bookmark your blog and check again here regularly. I'm
quite certain I will learn lots of new stuff right here!
Good luck for the next!

Here is my web page - www.chloeoutletshop2013.com

Anonymous said...

Have you ever considered publishing an ebook or guest authoring
on other sites? I have a blog centered on the same topics you discuss and would
love to have you share some stories/information. I know my subscribers would value your work.

If you're even remotely interested, feel free to shoot me an e-mail.

Here is my web blog www.toryburchoutletshopx.com

Anonymous said...

Hi there, yup this post is really good and I have
learned lot of things from it regarding blogging. thanks.



Feel free to surf to my homepage クロエ ハンドバッグ

Anonymous said...

This post is genuinely a fastidious one it helps new
net people, who are wishing in favor of blogging.


My blog - mysocialday.com

Anonymous said...

Hey! I know this is kinda off topic but I'd figured I'd ask.
Would you be interested in exchanging links or maybe guest authoring a blog post or vice-versa?
My site covers a lot of the same subjects as yours and I feel we could greatly benefit from each other.
If you might be interested feel free to send me an email.

I look forward to hearing from you! Excellent blog by the way!



my blog ... ミュウミュウ

Anonymous said...

We stumbled over here by a different website and
thought I may as well check things out. I like what I
see so i am just following you. Look forward to
looking into your web page yet again.

my site chloe 財布

Anonymous said...

It is not my first time to pay a visit this web site, i am browsing this web
page dailly and take pleasant data from here every day.

Also visit my web blog :: tao of badass

Anonymous said...

Its not surprising that people might become
depressed during stressful times – such as going through a divorce, caring for a sick relative or financial problems.
Known by Argentineans as Salta la Linda (Salta the Fair) this bustling city is a fine mix of
the old and new, where European café culture and fine
colonial architecture interacts daily with a central American flair for art
and living; creating an ever-changing personality and identity for this entertaining
city which, as of yet, has been little altered by the tourism wave.
Also like many single parents, Sebastiao is hoping to share the bills
with her former spouse. Michael has done his stint
and it should be left to rest. o - Strike a equilibrium between viewing 2-4 patients per hour.


Take a look at my web blog :: Ullund

Anonymous said...

This web site truly has all the information I wanted concerning this subject
and didn't know who to ask.

Feel free to visit my web site ... akribos xxiv watches For women

Anonymous said...

It's going to be end of mine day, except before end I am reading this wonderful article to improve my know-how.

Stop by my web site :: women's armitron watches

Anonymous said...

Hi to every body, it's my first pay a quick visit of this weblog; this webpage contains amazing and actually excellent material designed for visitors.

Also visit my blog post; Newport Beach catering

Anonymous said...

I’m not that much of a internet reader to be honest but your sites really nice, keep
it up! I'll go ahead and bookmark your site to come back later. All the best

Stop by my blog post: ミュウミュウバッグ

Anonymous said...

This paragraph is in fact a fastidious one it
helps new the web people, who are wishing in favor of blogging.


Feel free to surf to my homepage :: グッチ アウトレット

Anonymous said...

Hello very cool web site!! Guy .. Beautiful .

. Amazing .. I'll bookmark your blog and take the feeds also? I am satisfied to search out a lot of helpful information right here in the post, we'd like work out extra strategies
on this regard, thank you for sharing. . . . . .

Also visit my website http://www.raybansunglassesoutletsales.com/

Anonymous said...

I'm amazed, I must say. Rarely do I encounter a blog that's both equally educative and amusing, and let me
tell you, you have hit the nail on the head. The issue is an issue that too few men and women are speaking intelligently
about. Now i'm very happy I came across this in my hunt for something regarding this.

Here is my web site; propelmeni.ru

Anonymous said...

I pay a quick visit every day a few websites and information sites to read articles, however this weblog gives quality
based writing.

my page; scholtz.sk

Anonymous said...

I really like looking through a post that can make people think.
Also, thank you for allowing me to comment!

Feel free to surf to my website ... http://www.rolexwatchoutletsale.com

Anonymous said...

Hello, for all time i used to check webpage posts here early
in the daylight, because i enjoy to gain knowledge of more and more.


Feel free to surf to my homepage: オークリー サングラス

Anonymous said...

Attractive section of content. I just stumbled upon your website and
in accession capital to assert that I acquire actually
enjoyed account your blog posts. Any way I'll be subscribing to your augment and even I achievement you access consistently rapidly.

my homepage :: bosungkimphotography.com

Anonymous said...

I do not even know how I ended up here, but I thought this post was good.

I do not know who you are but definitely you're going to a famous blogger if you are not already ;) Cheers!

Also visit my web page - http://www.louisvuittonhandbagsoutletssale.com

Anonymous said...

I am now not sure where you're getting your information, however great topic. I needs to spend a while finding out much more or working out more. Thank you for wonderful info I was in search of this information for my mission.

my blog: グッチ財布

Anonymous said...

Hola! I've been reading your web site for a while now and finally got the courage to go ahead and give you a shout out from Atascocita Texas! Just wanted to tell you keep up the great job!

my site - ルイヴィトン

Anonymous said...

buy propecia online buy propecia uk online - propecia 0.5mg results

Anonymous said...

Hi, i read your blog occasionally and i own a similar one and i was just curious if you get a
lot of spam remarks? If so how do you prevent it, any plugin or
anything you can suggest? I get so much lately it's driving me mad so any support is very much appreciated.

My weblog: Sexy Bodybuilder Video

Anonymous said...

ӏ don't even know how I stopped up right here, but I believed this publish was once great. I don't realіze who уou're but definitely you'гe going to a fаmouѕ bloggeг in case уou аren't already. Cheers!

Feel free to surf to my webpage ... car lease

Anonymous said...

Yοur way οf describing all in thiѕ aгticle iѕ truly
nice, еverу one can wіthout difficulty κnow it, Τhanks a lοt.



Alѕo ѵіsit my web ρаge :: coffee pure cleanse and colo cleanse pro

Anonymous said...

great! thanks for giving time to share this one.. I learned a lot in Magnetic Style For Men

Unknown said...

I Agree so much with this post. I truly don't understand why people don't acknowledge good manners. Being chivalrous is not supposed to be degrading. A man should want to be chivalrous to people. They should want to do good deeds and make people happy. That's the part I don 't understand I guess. Why do people not appreciate something good being done for them? It's just good manners.

From my blog http://thegentlemensguide.blogspot.com/

Anonymous said...

e cigarette forum, ecig forum, ecigs, smokeless cigarettes, electronic cigarette, e cigarette