Shaving well may not make you a Gentleman, but as I have said, as a gentleman you should strive to make the world a better place for others... You will certainly be in a better mood in the mornings if you have enjoyed a good shave.
And besides, grooming is something you should pay attention to and it's something I will probably pay more attention to on this blogg -- mainly because the ethics thing doesn't seem to be coming up as often as it was when I started this.
I remember very clearly the day when one of my teachers told me that it was high time I 'shaved the fluff off my face'. I was about 13 and my dad wasn't around at the time so I asked my mum to get me some shaving gear, and it was her who taught me... and in fairness, she didn't do a bad job.
A little while later when my dad was about he noticed I no longer had the bum-fluff and that I was suffering terrible razor burns. He said that he suffered the same problems and advised that I shave in cold water. He also bought me some Yardley's Original aftershave which felt like applying napalm but did sort out the rashes.
That was over twenty years ago and apart from the fact that I was now using gels instead of cream in a can, and 5+1 blades on my swivel headed razor, not much had changed. I don't get razor burn no matter what I do these days -- I could scrape away at my face for an hour, and sometimes I did, but I never got a really close shave.
And then I came across the idea of wet-shaving with a double edged safety razor.
Maybe I'll go into details of my experiences at a later date... but when it comes to why you should make the change, and how to go about it, I can't do better that to point you in the direction of mantic59's YouTube videos. There are loads of movies there, and he also has his own shaving blog. But to start you off, here is a good playlist:-
This is not the be-all-and-end-all of shaving, there are many techniques, this is however a superb introduction to the subject.
Monday 4 February 2008
Monday 28 January 2008
Reflexive Pronouns
I have noticed that a couple of my employees are butchering the English language when answering the telephone. They say things like, "Would you like to bring it to ourselves?", or "I will then return the item to yourself."
Don't get me wrong, my own use of the English language ain't exactly f***ing text book! But this makes me cringe. To me, this is worse than saying something like, "I'm going to get me one of those". The latter just sounds dumb, while the former make you sound like somebody who is dumb but trying to sound intelligent by using longer words. It reminds me of Del-boy saying, "lets not say goodbye, let call this bonjour", or Waynetta Slob putting on her posh accent.
But thats not what this entry in the blog is about. The dilemma here is how to broach the subject without embarrassing anybody.
The main culprit is young, so hasn't the life experience to know this sounds wrong but we have been encouraging him to do more work on the telephone. He didn't start out talking like this, but he has been phoning large companies which have receptionists and he seems to be picking it up from them.
Unfortunately, armed with this new way of speaking, he has gained confidence which has rubbed off on others who are now copying him.
I think that rather than take him to one side, it is best to bring this up at a staff meeting so that I can address it without singling anybody out. I will point out that often it is a bad idea to copy what other people are doing, because often they do it wrong... and then I'll blame this all on those strange creatures called receptionists. We already teach our staff to try and get around receptionists and talk to the person who has the information they need. Maybe I can combine the staff meeting with a quick talk on this, and a mention that while receptionists are on the whole utterly useless to us, for the people who hire them, they are there to filter inquiries, so not to phone until they are armed with the right information to get past the filter... etc, etc.
Tricky isn't it. Effectively I'm putting down receptionists to save my own staff from embarrassment. Frankly, many deserve it so I don't feel too bad. But I can't allow a culture of contempt for receptionists to grow, so I need to build them back up again.
Please note, I don't stereotype all receptionists as useless... although doctors receptionists are beyond redemption.
Don't get me wrong, my own use of the English language ain't exactly f***ing text book! But this makes me cringe. To me, this is worse than saying something like, "I'm going to get me one of those". The latter just sounds dumb, while the former make you sound like somebody who is dumb but trying to sound intelligent by using longer words. It reminds me of Del-boy saying, "lets not say goodbye, let call this bonjour", or Waynetta Slob putting on her posh accent.
But thats not what this entry in the blog is about. The dilemma here is how to broach the subject without embarrassing anybody.
The main culprit is young, so hasn't the life experience to know this sounds wrong but we have been encouraging him to do more work on the telephone. He didn't start out talking like this, but he has been phoning large companies which have receptionists and he seems to be picking it up from them.
Unfortunately, armed with this new way of speaking, he has gained confidence which has rubbed off on others who are now copying him.
I think that rather than take him to one side, it is best to bring this up at a staff meeting so that I can address it without singling anybody out. I will point out that often it is a bad idea to copy what other people are doing, because often they do it wrong... and then I'll blame this all on those strange creatures called receptionists. We already teach our staff to try and get around receptionists and talk to the person who has the information they need. Maybe I can combine the staff meeting with a quick talk on this, and a mention that while receptionists are on the whole utterly useless to us, for the people who hire them, they are there to filter inquiries, so not to phone until they are armed with the right information to get past the filter... etc, etc.
Tricky isn't it. Effectively I'm putting down receptionists to save my own staff from embarrassment. Frankly, many deserve it so I don't feel too bad. But I can't allow a culture of contempt for receptionists to grow, so I need to build them back up again.
Please note, I don't stereotype all receptionists as useless... although doctors receptionists are beyond redemption.
I have returned!
I haven't updated this blog for a hell of a long time. My wife became seriously ill for a time and it turned things upside-down for a while.
You have to prioritize and unfortunately, this blog comes far behind some of my other commitments, and I think it shall remain so.
However, the missus has taken an interest and is encouraging me to write something on fashion... so who knows?
As a result of her illness she was required to go on a special low far diet, which means the whole family went on it. I have lost about a stone, but I could afford to lose some more around the waist. Apparently, if you do as I do, and only eat once per day, your body stores fat. This leads to you being slim but with a big belly, so as of today, I'm having a snack at breakfast time, lunch and in the afternoon. Maybe eating more will help me lose weight!
If it works I'll consent to allowing her to use me as a model. Yes I know, vanity is creeping into this blog - but I'm sure nobody wants to see my beer belly (not that I drink beer), and in the absence of somebody more attractive to model the cloths, I should put on the best show I can. After all, self-improvement is part of what this blog is all about.
You have to prioritize and unfortunately, this blog comes far behind some of my other commitments, and I think it shall remain so.
However, the missus has taken an interest and is encouraging me to write something on fashion... so who knows?
As a result of her illness she was required to go on a special low far diet, which means the whole family went on it. I have lost about a stone, but I could afford to lose some more around the waist. Apparently, if you do as I do, and only eat once per day, your body stores fat. This leads to you being slim but with a big belly, so as of today, I'm having a snack at breakfast time, lunch and in the afternoon. Maybe eating more will help me lose weight!
If it works I'll consent to allowing her to use me as a model. Yes I know, vanity is creeping into this blog - but I'm sure nobody wants to see my beer belly (not that I drink beer), and in the absence of somebody more attractive to model the cloths, I should put on the best show I can. After all, self-improvement is part of what this blog is all about.
Thursday 28 June 2007
Reminder
It's been a hell of a week! I got caught up in the middle of a drama which I unwittingly triggered by writing a fictional story which several people thought was about them. This lead to a couple of moral dilemas including a promise best broken. However, as it is too fresh to go into detail, (and it all started because somebody did a google search) I'm not going to write it now. This post is here to remind me to write it up at a later date.
Monday 25 June 2007
Good manners in the 21st Century
One of the comments that inspired this blog was a lady who said she was offended (I presume mildly) that a man gave up his seat to her on a bus. I have heard this before, the reasons for being offended range from "I'm not old" to "I'm equal to any man and can stand on my own two feet".
I have also heard offence being taken over men opening doors for women/ladies and for offering to help them carry... heavy stuff.
Is it true that chivalry is dead? Outdated? Are good manners a thing of the past?
There certainly seems to be a bit of a conflict between gentlemanly behavior and this new century. But it just takes a bit of thought and different angle of approach.
Firstly, lets deal with the idea of the gentlemen standing when a woman enters a room (or leaves the room). This probably seems the most outdated of them all.
Let me confess that it's late at night and I'm not inclined to research the origins of this strange custom, but I'll take a punt and guess that it is much like raising your hat to a lady, it is a gesture of respect. When I was at school, at least in the 1970s, we had to stand when a teacher entered the room. In court, you stand when the judge/magistrate enters the room. Soldiers stand when an officer enters a room ['As you were']. You stand during the national anthem.
And I understand there are some standing up bits in church (not that you will ever find me there) and I suspect that this is where the custom might have it's origins. Although, I do wonder if it were customary in pre-Christian times? Probably. I will tell you this, last time I was in a Christian church, I seem to remember spending more time kneeling on the floor than standing... I seem to remember reading that our pagan ancestors preferred to meet their gods as equals rather than what they considered groveling on their knees.
Is this relevant? I think it is. I think that when a person enters the room, you should stand and greet them eye-to-eye. Man or woman, you should move towards them as they move towards you, (meeting them half way) and you should greet them with a firm hand shake or a hug and a kiss, whatever is appropriate. Sitting there like a king on your thrown waiting for them to come to you is bad manners.
But from then on, standing whenever a woman enters or leaves the room is just over the top. In an informal gathering, you would just look a pratt, unless of course this is the social norm among your friends (That would be very few of us). If you were out to dinner with a lady, frankly, a lady of my generation (and I'm in my 30s) would most likely be embarrassed. It would be worse if you were out to dinner with a group of people and you were the only 'gentleman' to stand whenever a lady needed to visit the powder room -- you would make the other gentlemen feel awkward.
In this age of equality, a far better way to show respect to a lady would to be to treat her like an equal, to talk to her like a human being... some of us men still have difficulty with this.
And to end this one with, much as the same as you should stand to greet people, you should stand to say goodbye.
Next, lets deal with giving up your seat on a bus or train. I have done this many times on the train to London. It's simple... just don't make a big thing of it! Make eye contact, smile, get up, move aside, turn away. There really isn't any need to loudly announce "Here! take my seat ma'am", with a sweeping bow and slapping of the thigh.
Another approach to this is to pretend that you were getting up anyway because its almost your stop, or that you need to stretch your legs. I have used this tactic ever since an elderly lady cried out to all the other old dears, "Ooooh! Did you see that? A proper gentleman! His parents raised him right! You can tell he isn't from around here! That's a rare thing these days... etc. etc. etc." Did I mention that I blush?
I find the 'pretending I was getting up anyway' particularly useful when giving up my seat to elderly men. Their knees may be knackered but their pride is intact, but like all male pride, easily bruised.
Good manners are practical, an elderly person needs the seat more than you. A pregnant woman needs the seat more than you, and woman of the same age as you needs to conserve her strength for the bedroom... just kidding!!! But seriously, if you are giving up your seat to somebody you feel needs it more than you, then remember you are doing it for them and not for effect, not even because it is good manners (action without thought), so don't do it with great flourish. As for the woman the same age as you, or younger... this is the age of equality. And it is also an age where people haven't been raised with expectations of good manners. So even if you have seen this hypothetical woman carry huge amounts of shopping onto the bus, be aware that she may well see you as her equal, she may not expect special treatment, she probably won't expect to encounter gentlemanly conduct. She will probably interpret it as courtship ritual. So there is no telling what her reaction will be. So what do you do?
A gentleman would never risk offending someone, but a gentleman should give up his seat. So he should do the 'I was getting up anyway' thing. It is the only thing you can do.
As for opening doors for ladies... ladies are highly unlikely to stand staring blankly at a closed door waiting for you to open it for them in this day and age. And frankly, women are more than capable of opening doors for themselves.
Lets get one thing straight... back in the old days, these customs came in two parts. The gentleman was playing an active role, but the lady was also playing a passive role in these little scenes. The lady would wait to have the door opened, the gentleman would open it. The lady would expect the gentleman to give up his seat, she may even stand before the man she wished to give up his seat for her (to see if he would reciprocate). A lady would expect the men to rise as she left the room, the gentlemen would comply (those most interested would be the first to rise). This isn't just about gentlemen doing 'stuff', it is a dance for two, and often it was a courtship ritual. But these days there is no expectation by the ladies, and they are not playing out the role, regardless of how passive it is. (There is nothing as embarrassing as watching a man dance alone.)
This doesn't mean that we can't do these things and we should do these things as they are nice to do. But we just have to remember that it is no longer a dance for two so we can't do them in the same way they were done of old.
So when it comes to opening doors, we leave behind the courtship ritual and instead see it as practical. You don't let the door slam in a persons face. If given the opportunity, hold the door open for anyone regardless of gender, and graciously allow them to open a door for you.
As for letting the lady go first (And saying "After you"), it depends on the door. If the door is open, let the lady go first. If the door opens towards you, open the door, step aside and let the lady go first. If the door opens away from you, you go first opening the door as you go, hold it open and let the lady pass you. But be aware with this last one, if you do this to a man, they may take offence... it is a subconscious thing, as you are putting them in the role of female. So don't let them pass you, especially if the door leads to a bar of some description as you are not only treating them like a woman, you are ushering them forward to buy the first round! It's better to get to the bar, say "What can I get you" and then allowing them to reassert their manliness by winning the "No, I'll get this one" ritual. (See, us men are just as strange as women).
So, that's my take on these rituals, and that's how I do them. Manners are social expectations, unwritten rules of behaviour designed to avoid causing offense. If doing 19th/20th century rituals causes offence in this century, then they should be dropped, or done in a way so as to avoid offence. On the whole, you can get away with anything if you do it with a smile.
I have also heard offence being taken over men opening doors for women/ladies and for offering to help them carry... heavy stuff.
Is it true that chivalry is dead? Outdated? Are good manners a thing of the past?
There certainly seems to be a bit of a conflict between gentlemanly behavior and this new century. But it just takes a bit of thought and different angle of approach.
Firstly, lets deal with the idea of the gentlemen standing when a woman enters a room (or leaves the room). This probably seems the most outdated of them all.
Let me confess that it's late at night and I'm not inclined to research the origins of this strange custom, but I'll take a punt and guess that it is much like raising your hat to a lady, it is a gesture of respect. When I was at school, at least in the 1970s, we had to stand when a teacher entered the room. In court, you stand when the judge/magistrate enters the room. Soldiers stand when an officer enters a room ['As you were']. You stand during the national anthem.
And I understand there are some standing up bits in church (not that you will ever find me there) and I suspect that this is where the custom might have it's origins. Although, I do wonder if it were customary in pre-Christian times? Probably. I will tell you this, last time I was in a Christian church, I seem to remember spending more time kneeling on the floor than standing... I seem to remember reading that our pagan ancestors preferred to meet their gods as equals rather than what they considered groveling on their knees.
Is this relevant? I think it is. I think that when a person enters the room, you should stand and greet them eye-to-eye. Man or woman, you should move towards them as they move towards you, (meeting them half way) and you should greet them with a firm hand shake or a hug and a kiss, whatever is appropriate. Sitting there like a king on your thrown waiting for them to come to you is bad manners.
But from then on, standing whenever a woman enters or leaves the room is just over the top. In an informal gathering, you would just look a pratt, unless of course this is the social norm among your friends (That would be very few of us). If you were out to dinner with a lady, frankly, a lady of my generation (and I'm in my 30s) would most likely be embarrassed. It would be worse if you were out to dinner with a group of people and you were the only 'gentleman' to stand whenever a lady needed to visit the powder room -- you would make the other gentlemen feel awkward.
In this age of equality, a far better way to show respect to a lady would to be to treat her like an equal, to talk to her like a human being... some of us men still have difficulty with this.
And to end this one with, much as the same as you should stand to greet people, you should stand to say goodbye.
Next, lets deal with giving up your seat on a bus or train. I have done this many times on the train to London. It's simple... just don't make a big thing of it! Make eye contact, smile, get up, move aside, turn away. There really isn't any need to loudly announce "Here! take my seat ma'am", with a sweeping bow and slapping of the thigh.
Another approach to this is to pretend that you were getting up anyway because its almost your stop, or that you need to stretch your legs. I have used this tactic ever since an elderly lady cried out to all the other old dears, "Ooooh! Did you see that? A proper gentleman! His parents raised him right! You can tell he isn't from around here! That's a rare thing these days... etc. etc. etc." Did I mention that I blush?
I find the 'pretending I was getting up anyway' particularly useful when giving up my seat to elderly men. Their knees may be knackered but their pride is intact, but like all male pride, easily bruised.
Good manners are practical, an elderly person needs the seat more than you. A pregnant woman needs the seat more than you, and woman of the same age as you needs to conserve her strength for the bedroom... just kidding!!! But seriously, if you are giving up your seat to somebody you feel needs it more than you, then remember you are doing it for them and not for effect, not even because it is good manners (action without thought), so don't do it with great flourish. As for the woman the same age as you, or younger... this is the age of equality. And it is also an age where people haven't been raised with expectations of good manners. So even if you have seen this hypothetical woman carry huge amounts of shopping onto the bus, be aware that she may well see you as her equal, she may not expect special treatment, she probably won't expect to encounter gentlemanly conduct. She will probably interpret it as courtship ritual. So there is no telling what her reaction will be. So what do you do?
A gentleman would never risk offending someone, but a gentleman should give up his seat. So he should do the 'I was getting up anyway' thing. It is the only thing you can do.
As for opening doors for ladies... ladies are highly unlikely to stand staring blankly at a closed door waiting for you to open it for them in this day and age. And frankly, women are more than capable of opening doors for themselves.
Lets get one thing straight... back in the old days, these customs came in two parts. The gentleman was playing an active role, but the lady was also playing a passive role in these little scenes. The lady would wait to have the door opened, the gentleman would open it. The lady would expect the gentleman to give up his seat, she may even stand before the man she wished to give up his seat for her (to see if he would reciprocate). A lady would expect the men to rise as she left the room, the gentlemen would comply (those most interested would be the first to rise). This isn't just about gentlemen doing 'stuff', it is a dance for two, and often it was a courtship ritual. But these days there is no expectation by the ladies, and they are not playing out the role, regardless of how passive it is. (There is nothing as embarrassing as watching a man dance alone.)
This doesn't mean that we can't do these things and we should do these things as they are nice to do. But we just have to remember that it is no longer a dance for two so we can't do them in the same way they were done of old.
So when it comes to opening doors, we leave behind the courtship ritual and instead see it as practical. You don't let the door slam in a persons face. If given the opportunity, hold the door open for anyone regardless of gender, and graciously allow them to open a door for you.
As for letting the lady go first (And saying "After you"), it depends on the door. If the door is open, let the lady go first. If the door opens towards you, open the door, step aside and let the lady go first. If the door opens away from you, you go first opening the door as you go, hold it open and let the lady pass you. But be aware with this last one, if you do this to a man, they may take offence... it is a subconscious thing, as you are putting them in the role of female. So don't let them pass you, especially if the door leads to a bar of some description as you are not only treating them like a woman, you are ushering them forward to buy the first round! It's better to get to the bar, say "What can I get you" and then allowing them to reassert their manliness by winning the "No, I'll get this one" ritual. (See, us men are just as strange as women).
So, that's my take on these rituals, and that's how I do them. Manners are social expectations, unwritten rules of behaviour designed to avoid causing offense. If doing 19th/20th century rituals causes offence in this century, then they should be dropped, or done in a way so as to avoid offence. On the whole, you can get away with anything if you do it with a smile.
An important distinction
The article mentioned in my previous post was wrongly titled in my opinion*.
It was called 'How to be a gentleman', when it should have been called 'How to behave like a gentleman'. There is a huge difference between the two, after all, a confidence trickster behaves like gentleman, that is how he gains people's confidence, but it doesn't make him anything of the sort.
In fact, few of the articles I have read on the web have been anything other than a list of things that will allow a man to appear to be a gentleman in order to bed more women.
The few that I have read that don't fit this description, tend towards snobbery which is even worse, because in this day and age, at least women want to be bedded, but there is no excuse for snobbery. There is nothing wrong with wanting to better yourself, but when you start thinking along the lines of being 'a cut above the rest', then you are in danger of looking down on people, and that would never do (unless those people aspire to live in the gutter as seems to be the fashion).
So what is a Gentleman?
Uncle Gus told me a story, I cannot guarantee it is true, if not, it should be! It goes like this...
During the war, he couldn't do military service, so instead he became a Special constable. One day he was walking his beat when an old lady invited him in for a cup of tea. Once inside the old lady poured two cups of tea, she then poured some tea from her cup into the saucer, blew on it to cool it down, and then slurped it loudly from the saucer.
My Uncle then did exactly the same, making an even louder slurp and adding "Ahhhh! That's the best cup of tea I have had all week!"
...because being a gentleman isn't about good manners, its about making the world a better, happier place.
He taught me that a gentleman aims to spread a little happiness everywhere he goes. You should aim to be a pleasure to be with, people should be completely at ease in your company whether you are guest or host.
For those only interested in bedding women, this will certainly help! Although if you are boasting about what a gentleman you are, then it probably won't work... at least not with any women I'd want to sleep with!
To state the blindingly obvious (sorry if I'm being patronizing),
1. Don't try too hard -- whatever you are doing, make it look effortless. This isn't about being cool, this is about being sincere, because you can't convincingly say, "Oh don't worry, it's no trouble" if you have broken out in a sweat!** You won't set people at ease if you are fussing around.
2. Don't be too flamboyant. Don't put on a show. It isn't about you so don't strive to be the centre of attention no matter how pretty your new tie is. Instead, listen and ask questions. Lets face it, everybody likes a bit of attention every now and again, so give it too them, be interested in them, it will flatter them. Of course some people are shy and don't want the attention, but you won't know this unless you are listening and being aware of the signals. This its when it's your turn to steal the lime light and entertain (If you are that way inclined).
3. Enjoy yourself! There's nothing so becomes a man as modest stillness and humility (Sorry, I promise that's the last time I quote the bard), but you can smile. And posing, pouting and brooding is totally out! A far better way of showing your manly qualities is to smile through adversity. Seriously, brooding may look sexy, but its gonna wear thin. As the old saying goes, smile and the world smiles with you... it's true. When you smile, you show that you are happy, comfortable, and at ease. Others will feel the same way.
(I must confess, my face doesn't like smiling very much and I can't help pouting. But I can tilt my head and convey a limited range of expressions with my eyebrows. Maybe I'm the love child of Mick Jagger and Rodger Moore?)
In fact, enjoying yourself is the thread that ties it all together. Most articles on being a gentleman will talk about etiquette, or talk about silk ties and cuff links, I have mentioned none of those things... so where do they fit in?
Etiquette and good manners are all about expectations of how to behave. I personally believe them to relative (as my story of the tea slurping illustrates) but they are a comfort zone none the less -- no unpleasant surprises.
And silk ties and cuff links, caviar and champagne***, these are the finer things in life, to be enjoyed, and more importantly, shared.
*Everything on this blog is my opinion. Consider me a guru or a fool, the choice is yours.
**Yeah, I know. Gentlemen don't sweat, they perspire.
*** Thank the gods, I am truly blessed! I don't much like caviar, truffles, smoked salmon, or any of the expensive delicacies, and champagne gives me heart burn. I'm lucky enough to derive my pleasures from the simple things in life like a glass of cold stout.
It was called 'How to be a gentleman', when it should have been called 'How to behave like a gentleman'. There is a huge difference between the two, after all, a confidence trickster behaves like gentleman, that is how he gains people's confidence, but it doesn't make him anything of the sort.
In fact, few of the articles I have read on the web have been anything other than a list of things that will allow a man to appear to be a gentleman in order to bed more women.
The few that I have read that don't fit this description, tend towards snobbery which is even worse, because in this day and age, at least women want to be bedded, but there is no excuse for snobbery. There is nothing wrong with wanting to better yourself, but when you start thinking along the lines of being 'a cut above the rest', then you are in danger of looking down on people, and that would never do (unless those people aspire to live in the gutter as seems to be the fashion).
So what is a Gentleman?
Uncle Gus told me a story, I cannot guarantee it is true, if not, it should be! It goes like this...
During the war, he couldn't do military service, so instead he became a Special constable. One day he was walking his beat when an old lady invited him in for a cup of tea. Once inside the old lady poured two cups of tea, she then poured some tea from her cup into the saucer, blew on it to cool it down, and then slurped it loudly from the saucer.
My Uncle then did exactly the same, making an even louder slurp and adding "Ahhhh! That's the best cup of tea I have had all week!"
...because being a gentleman isn't about good manners, its about making the world a better, happier place.
He taught me that a gentleman aims to spread a little happiness everywhere he goes. You should aim to be a pleasure to be with, people should be completely at ease in your company whether you are guest or host.
For those only interested in bedding women, this will certainly help! Although if you are boasting about what a gentleman you are, then it probably won't work... at least not with any women I'd want to sleep with!
To state the blindingly obvious (sorry if I'm being patronizing),
1. Don't try too hard -- whatever you are doing, make it look effortless. This isn't about being cool, this is about being sincere, because you can't convincingly say, "Oh don't worry, it's no trouble" if you have broken out in a sweat!** You won't set people at ease if you are fussing around.
2. Don't be too flamboyant. Don't put on a show. It isn't about you so don't strive to be the centre of attention no matter how pretty your new tie is. Instead, listen and ask questions. Lets face it, everybody likes a bit of attention every now and again, so give it too them, be interested in them, it will flatter them. Of course some people are shy and don't want the attention, but you won't know this unless you are listening and being aware of the signals. This its when it's your turn to steal the lime light and entertain (If you are that way inclined).
3. Enjoy yourself! There's nothing so becomes a man as modest stillness and humility (Sorry, I promise that's the last time I quote the bard), but you can smile. And posing, pouting and brooding is totally out! A far better way of showing your manly qualities is to smile through adversity. Seriously, brooding may look sexy, but its gonna wear thin. As the old saying goes, smile and the world smiles with you... it's true. When you smile, you show that you are happy, comfortable, and at ease. Others will feel the same way.
(I must confess, my face doesn't like smiling very much and I can't help pouting. But I can tilt my head and convey a limited range of expressions with my eyebrows. Maybe I'm the love child of Mick Jagger and Rodger Moore?)
In fact, enjoying yourself is the thread that ties it all together. Most articles on being a gentleman will talk about etiquette, or talk about silk ties and cuff links, I have mentioned none of those things... so where do they fit in?
Etiquette and good manners are all about expectations of how to behave. I personally believe them to relative (as my story of the tea slurping illustrates) but they are a comfort zone none the less -- no unpleasant surprises.
And silk ties and cuff links, caviar and champagne***, these are the finer things in life, to be enjoyed, and more importantly, shared.
*Everything on this blog is my opinion. Consider me a guru or a fool, the choice is yours.
**Yeah, I know. Gentlemen don't sweat, they perspire.
*** Thank the gods, I am truly blessed! I don't much like caviar, truffles, smoked salmon, or any of the expensive delicacies, and champagne gives me heart burn. I'm lucky enough to derive my pleasures from the simple things in life like a glass of cold stout.
What's it all about?
We have just had a baby boy and my wife liked the name Gustav... so that's what we called him.
Although not named after him, this has reminded me of my Great Uncle Gus and I have remembered him recently.
Uncle Gus was a proper gent and as a small child imparted lots of knowledge to me about how to behave like a gentleman. Unfortunately I was very young at the time and no doubt I have forgotten much of what he told me. But much of it must have rubbed off because I have a rather good reputation for being what the Americans would call 'a stand-up guy'. One thing is for sure... I do try hard.
It isn't just my new son that has made me think of the subject. Being a gentleman is a way of life, so its to be expected that all areas of my life will give me cause to think. And as I get older life brings new challenges and I'm forced to think more of others.
So the other day I got on the Internet and eventually typed in "How to be a gentleman". What I found surprised me greatly. I found a blog which was commenting on an article about how to be a gentleman which seemed to be all about etiquette. After this was a long heated discussion on the blog comments. The comments surprised me most of all -- some people said chivalry was dead. One lady said she was upset when a 'gentleman' offered her his seat on the bus because she was just as capable of standing as any man. There was great discussion about opening doors for ladies, standing when a lady entered a room, and whether or not these manners are old fashioned.
A couple of people suggested that the deterioration in the way people behaved was due to the "godless society".
I could hear Great Uncle Gus turning in his grave!
If he taught me right, and I assume he did, then very little of this has anything much to do with being a gentleman.
***
Today, a question of ethics and honesty came up at work, and as I gave my take on the situation my business partner suggested that I should write what I had said on a piece of paper and pin it on the wall for future reference (consistency is important!). I told him I didn't need to because it was the way I lived my life, and in fact, when I had written the company rules, the company ethos, I had already included pretty much everything needed that was needed on ethics and honesty. But his suggestion did give me the idea to write about these things on a blog, because nothing in life is black and white. Maybe my grey areas might help other people?
So here we are.
Here is my first rule of being a gentleman:
Although not named after him, this has reminded me of my Great Uncle Gus and I have remembered him recently.
Uncle Gus was a proper gent and as a small child imparted lots of knowledge to me about how to behave like a gentleman. Unfortunately I was very young at the time and no doubt I have forgotten much of what he told me. But much of it must have rubbed off because I have a rather good reputation for being what the Americans would call 'a stand-up guy'. One thing is for sure... I do try hard.
It isn't just my new son that has made me think of the subject. Being a gentleman is a way of life, so its to be expected that all areas of my life will give me cause to think. And as I get older life brings new challenges and I'm forced to think more of others.
So the other day I got on the Internet and eventually typed in "How to be a gentleman". What I found surprised me greatly. I found a blog which was commenting on an article about how to be a gentleman which seemed to be all about etiquette. After this was a long heated discussion on the blog comments. The comments surprised me most of all -- some people said chivalry was dead. One lady said she was upset when a 'gentleman' offered her his seat on the bus because she was just as capable of standing as any man. There was great discussion about opening doors for ladies, standing when a lady entered a room, and whether or not these manners are old fashioned.
A couple of people suggested that the deterioration in the way people behaved was due to the "godless society".
I could hear Great Uncle Gus turning in his grave!
If he taught me right, and I assume he did, then very little of this has anything much to do with being a gentleman.
***
Today, a question of ethics and honesty came up at work, and as I gave my take on the situation my business partner suggested that I should write what I had said on a piece of paper and pin it on the wall for future reference (consistency is important!). I told him I didn't need to because it was the way I lived my life, and in fact, when I had written the company rules, the company ethos, I had already included pretty much everything needed that was needed on ethics and honesty. But his suggestion did give me the idea to write about these things on a blog, because nothing in life is black and white. Maybe my grey areas might help other people?
So here we are.
Here is my first rule of being a gentleman:
- Every day, try to be better than you were yesterday.
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